An Ode to the Dyson Airblade

By Laksha Prasad

@lakshaprasad

An Ode to the Dyson Airblade

Ten seconds is all it takes. Ten loud, glorious, whirlwind seconds and you’re ready to go again!

Who the fig tree is this miracle worker?

Well that’s the Dyson Airblade for you! As weird as it may seem, I would like to take 563 words of your invaluable time to express just how this hand dryer is more than just your ordinary outhouse appliance.

To begin with, you may notice that this total dreamboat is located in almost every bathroom on campus and has replaced the heinous, revolving towel rotisserie that each one of us suspected of carrying some undiscovered STI.

Having been installed to increase the hygiene standards of the university and drop the costs of cleaning materials, this no-touch, efficient and considerate piece of machinery is possibly the greatest campus investment since the coffee cart.

Named after what only sounds like one of the Top 60 Ghetto Names, the Dyson Airblade’s charm and flair with which it heats your cold, wet hands, and the way it magically spirits away any remaining suds, really blows its predecessors out of the water.

Good ol’ Dyson is usually what stands in between us traipsing awkwardly around Matthews food court with moist hands and nonchalantly fist-bumping your mate (who is blissfully unaware of the previous five minutes of your life because your hands are breathtakingly warm and dry).

Just think about it. Back in the days of the pestilence rotisserie and button-operated blower, drying your hands often required much deliberation – mainly around how long you are willing to wait in line to dry your hands (contract chlamydia) by pressing that button.

Now it’s just a matter of quickly slipping your hands in between those sleek, sanitary and sensory-operated cheeks and you’re back in your lecture before the introduction of the next slide!

However, drying one’s hands is not the sole capability of this baby – indeed, the Airblade has become much more than a part of your tedious fecal disposal routine.

You may have not actually realised your admiration for the dryer yet, but its warmth equals the love and warmth of a brother, mother…even lover.

I am fairly certain that many of you have felt how freaking freezing this season has been. Those early morning starts, late-night finishes, or even those breaks in between class, have definitely been made easier by holing up in the bathroom and defrosting your digits with Dyson – in a way that hand-holding has never been able to accomplish.

I mean, the reliance of gripping your coffee to seal in the heat is dictated by how fast you actually consume the beverage, and your hands have to share space in those hoodie pockets with old tissues and car keys.

Not to mention your mate or sneaky bed friend’s hand is only around to hold until the next lecture…but where there’s civilisation, there’s a loo, and where there’s a loo, there’s a Dyson Airblade waiting to warm your soul.

It doesn’t just dry hands…it dries tears of loneliness and fills a void that no other appliance can fill.

Call me slightly unhinged, but with a winter like this one, I would choose Dyson over a date with Gosling in the back of his Lambo, every time.

I’m not saying that everyone needs to fall in love with Dyson A. Blade, but there’s nothing wrong with feeling enamoured by an appliance…am I right?