Lizzette the Agony Aunt: Gina Rinehart and Foreign Students

A-hoy hoy,

So like, I know that asking for help is pretty mainstream and all, because it’s just sah corporatized and shit out there in the whole world, yeah?

But I really do have this totes hard questioniola that I’m dealing with right now. It’s, like, taking all my time up in my head, and I like, can’t even search for bands you’ve never heard of on these obscure indie sites anymore. I know, it’s really got me sah devo.

But I was just wondering, in like the winter, where can I find the best bargains on fluorescent vintage old man jumpers, but like, not made of synthetic fabrics? Because I am sah against them. It’s part of my spiritual cleansing to, like, not engage in the globalisation movement. I saw all about it on this Apple commercial, I just like didn’t take in all the detes, because I was totes distracted by the selling out of this band in the ad, who used to have like creative control on their music, but they are humungo sell-outs now. I know this guy who like bought their latest album, though; and I’m like, de-friend!

So anyway, if you could like recommend somewhere, because I don’t trust the ads in Yellow Pages.com anymore, coz I realised they have like sah many ads for things that have like no meaning or are sah mainstream or like come from Target. Except that this girl I know was like telling me they have this post-modern value or something. I’m sorry, I don’t fucking know anymore than that, I’m just sah hungover.

Also, I HOPE you noticed that I wrote this letter on the back of my last American Apparel receipt, because I’m totes against the misuse of paper for corporate means. It, like, makes me want to vom.

Peace out,
Craig.

Dear Craig,

Get a job, ya damn hippy!

Dear Ms. Stern and the editorial body of Tharunka magazine,

As you would no doubt be aware, I am a woman very interested in the news, and in publications. I own 18.6% of Fairfax media, comfortably its largest stakeholder. I am, in short, a very wealthy woman, and I’m looking for new interests outside mining. However, my plans on expansion in that area have hit something of a stall (damn board negotiations and their insistence on editorial independence, huh?)

Thus I am looking at new publications to become involved with, to help them capitalise on what opportunities exist for them, and help us all make a tidy profit.
So… is Tharunka up for sale? All I would ask is that you change your title to ‘Tharunka – This Is Our Story’, and increase your share price to 0.87c before the end of the year. Fair enough?

Sincerely,
Meaner Braveheart.

Dear Mrs. Rinehart,

Did you know, a friend of mine discovered a fascinating website the other day? It’s called How Rich Are You (www.howrichareyou.com.au). It allows one to compare their annual income to yours, Gina – you simply enter your salary into the nifty little blue bar, and it lets you know how long it takes ‘Australia’s richest person’ to earn that salary. My annual income? You apparently earnt it in 35.1 seconds. At this rate, it would take me something in the realm of 900,000 years to earn what you do in one financial year.

I mean… bloody hell, would you even notice if you bought our mag??

Anyway, that aside, Riney old pal, my writer’s integrity says no – our proud publication, the bastion of student media, the stalwart against the rising tides of publication manipulation and bastardisation, says nay to your corporatizing interests!

(But as a poor working student shlub, who’d love a holiday to Bhutan, I say – just, ah, why don’t you pop in for a meeting on Monday, hmm? We’ll discuss it, err, a little more privately, see if we can’t…. well, you know, yeah.)

Dear Miss Aunt Lady,

We are visiting backpacker from Europe and we would like to see your bush. We are hear that it is beautiful and we could spend many days exploring it and touching the nature.
What should we take for survive in the harsh climb mates?

Stephano, Milosh and Greta.

Dear Assorted Foreigns,

Before I call the police, I’m going to assume you meant ‘the’ bush? Although in suggesting that, I’m probably going to confuse you further. Alright, simple dialogue:
Going to the outback, to the bush – very dangerous! Many backpackers like you die! So, take these things: lots of water, lots of food, some pain medication. Learn to read a compass, and take a compass. Know how to read your map, and take that map. Do not touch anything that is an animal, snake, lizard, spider, or looks like a crazed man with a greasy beard and a shotgun. Do not eat anything that you find on a bush or shrub or tree. If you are lost, stay put! Tell people before you go where you are going, and then they can come find you.
No die in Australia ok, please? Bad for our economy, and bad for you! Have fun!

Elizabeth Stern

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