Ian Jacobs “Committed Entirely to Student Driven Learning”, Fires All Staff

By Stephen Brannon

The University of New South Wales community was shocked as Vice-Chancellor Ian Jacobs announced his ambitious plan for enhancing the financial and educational viability of the university.

“In order to deliver fantastic quality of education, and deliver our ambitious social justice platform, it has become necessary to restructure how we manage our staff, to suit the needs of our fantastic students,” Ian Jacobs announced over Facebook Live early Friday morning.

“As a result, all staff will be immediately offered redundancy packages by our HR department, before our HR department will offer redundancy packages to themselves.”

Media arrived to Ian Jacob’s office to find him stuffing communal stationery into a plastic bag.

“We have worked closely with staff and students concerns on this issue,” Ian Jacobs told the media.

He was seen shredding confidential documents with a portable shredder, before packing the shredder into a black backpack.

“We took the complaints about management and staff issues very seriously, and have decided to take decisive action,” Jacobs said as he looked at the clock

“Actually, now that it’s 5pm, I am no longer Vice-Chancellor. Can anyone help me move this desk down the stairs?”

Staff say this move by the administration is not surprising, given their lack of consultation over similar staffing issues.

“We will fight management on this issue, and protect our staff,” said National Tertiary Education Union UNSW Branch President, Dr Gregson.

“Although, I’m not really sure there’s any management left to fight.”