Agony Ibis (March Issue)

Dear Agony Ibis,

I’m in my fifth year of medicine, but I’m considering dropping out. The quality of uni life has plummeted since the Roundhouse closed, and the Greenhouse just isn’t the same.

I’m this close to taking a year off to find myself, or transferring to USyd, where the bar is no doubt cheaper, but first, I wanted to reach out to you. You’re my last hope.

Best,

Ailments and Ale-ments

 

Dear Ailments and Ale-ments,

You’ve come to the right place, pet. Modesty isn’t my finest quality, and we all know that I’m UNSW’s finest food and beverage connoisseur. I propose the following:

1. Take over the Greenhouse

Firstly, we steal as many old SRC election t-shirts as we can, and train our minions. I’m thinking the Yellow Shirts and the Arc Street Team; they’re keen for anything. Get them on board and I’ll get the ibis army ready. Then, we storm the Greenhouse.

Lunchtime peak hour. At least 20 of us in student politics regalia. Students enjoying their lunch and overpriced beer scatter; they don’t want to bombarded yet another “Vote for [insert shit ticket name here]” spiel. They’re so scared that they don’t realise student elections are still weeks’ away. Staff run too. Abandonment of employment? Who cares, Ian Jacobs is probs gonna fire them anyway. #staffcuts

The place is ours.

2. Convert it from the Greenhouse to the Lakehouse

Next, we flood the place. Beer taps turned on, Alco pops emptied, goon bags split. The alcohol spreads, the water level rises, until the Village Green becomes a lake. There’s more alcohol in the Village Green Lake than there is in first years’ stomachs on Law Camp.

We crack open a leftover VB to celebrate. We bathe in the tears of our livers.

3. We Snapchat/Facebook Live/Instagram story the whole damn thing (whichever it is you kids do these days; I can’t keep up). Internet fame arrives, quickly.

Okay? Okay.

Your partner in crime (and beer),

Agony Ibis