Agony Ibis (Issue 1)

Illustration by Amy Ge

Dear Agony Ibis,

 

All of my friends went on amazing holidays to exotic and expensive locations over the break, and I’m very jealous. How can I fit in with all the new friends I’m planning on making, especially given my Insta game has been so sub-par?!

 

Kind regards,

Stuck in Sydney

 

——————

 

Hey Stuck in Sydney,

I. Feel. You.

 

I too was stranded in the sweltering, hot mess that was Sydney over the summer (mostly being a pest in Hyde Park #soznotsoz) so I empathise with your non-exotic, cheap-ass pain.

 

I’m going to take a stab in the dark and guess that you’re a first year, in which case, welcome! But also: don’t worry too much about making friends! Just ~be~ ~yourself~ etc etc. You know the drill. But, if you’re having trouble believing an ibis without many friends, (people call me “bin chicken”!?) I have some extra pointers that I picked up from aggressive IRL-stalking.

 

  1. If you were home over the summer, you were probably doing some type of paid labour. Three cheers for the-worst-people-in-the-world (aka “Christmas shoppers). So, you have bank. And with bank, you can buy stuff. Tip number 1: buy your friends.

 

  1. Be that person. You know, the one who always has to one-up their friends’ stories. Make up stuff. Summer in Paris? Yep. Party in Ibiza? Tick. New Years in New York? Been there, done that. Fake it ‘til you make it. And once you make it, keep faking.

 

  1. Speaking of faking it, also fake your Insta account. Take a picture at a miscellaneous beach in Sydney with a mojito, set the location to Phuket and insert the caption “I heart Thailand *palm tree emoji*”. Regram hot pics of hot girls who won’t care about copyright. Enjoy the fame. Rinse, lather (the fake tan), repeat.

 

Anyway, best of luck with it all! Please keep me updated; I’m very invested because all the other ibii hate me. But, if everyone ends up hating you too, remember my motto: fuck ‘em. *knife emoji*

 

xoxo Agony Ibis

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